Aotearoa: A Post-Truth Utopia

Much has been said about the post-truth era in New Zealand politics.  Most of what has been said is accepting of this new ‘reality’.

I would sincerely like to question why this is.  However a recent dUMR Poll has reveals that 78% of Kiwis think that asking questions is dumb.  A further analysis of the findings indicate that the remaining 22% of Kiwis are most likely Jihadi Brides, misinformed anti-trade TPPA protesters, Homeless People, Benefit Fraudsters, and former InternetMANA agitators.

It seems only reasonable to conclude that asking questions in a post-truth era is in fact a tool of terrorism and a seditious act. Thank John we have five-eyes to keep a track on these people.

So in the interests of ‘National’ security lets dispense with troubling making questions and move on to the main course of facts and realities about New Zealand.

Housing Bubbles: This is a ridiculous and dangerous idea popular among a certain 28% of kiwis.  Minister of Taxi Rides Steven Joyce has done a lengthy and expensive investigation and discovered that housing is most likely to be made out of timber, bricks, mortar, and low grade Chinese steel.  Bubbles in fact, only factor into housing on those very rare super rich Grand Designs type developments, which none of you can afford anyway, so who cares.

Homeless People: A survey of Seven Sharp  viewers suggests that homeless people may in fact just be paid extras for that wannabe contender John Campbell.  This finding is further evidenced by the awkward reality that when the Salvation Army didn’t go out looking for homeless people they didn’t find any wanting help.  My own investigation has  ound that Sven and Ingrid seem quite happy in their very modern camper van.   Clearly this whole homeless ballyhoo is a left-wing conspiracy that no doubt has the universally despised truth terrorist Nicky Hagar behind it all.

Tax Havens: God of all things Tax, John Shoe-in is pretty sure that ‘Tax Havens’ is the wrong terminology preferring instead to reference a recent release by the Minister of Tourism.  The release suggests that New Zealand could potentially benefit by promoting itself as 100% Pure Tax Heaven.  This has been market tested and had an evidence based established.  Feedback gathered via Breakfast viewers indicated that right thinking kiwis believe that ‘heaven’ is a much nicer word than ‘haven’.

Inflation: Inflation is at an all time low, it is so low that you cant even limbo under it. Never mind that your rent, groceries, power, and breathing costs significantly more, these things are not part of inflation.   Minister of Positive Thinking Bill English explains that the negative gearing of downward trends in wages offset by record growth in the inequality sector will produce a meaningful dividend in the future social upheaval market. This will in turn translate into real and projected benefits of external wealth creation in the corporate friendly tax mitigation system upon which the future focused 100% Tax Heaven system will be based.

Labour-Greens: Recent  dUMR-TORi internal polling has emphatically concluded that Parnell residents took a dim view on potato peeling former union leaders cuddling up to a bunch of tree hugging dairy farm hating socialist hippies.  The same poll also unanimously concluded that National are doing a wonderful job given all the mess that last Labour Government left, although Helen might be okay for a job far away, like in New York, so long as she keeps saying the TPPA is awesome (which it is).

Child Poverty: Some people think that just because a kid misses lunch and goes bare foot they are poor.  However recent reports by the New Zealand Uninitiative questions if anybody has the right to label children who choose comfortable natural footwear and take a stand against obesity with a sensible diet choice.  Besides anyone who has watched those UNICEF ads on telly can tell you that ‘real poverty’ is something you go and visit overseas.

The Regions: Rumor has it that south of the Bombay Wall there is a group of wildlings ready to revolt against the more civilized folk living inside the Parnell Keep.  Valiant Ranger of the Key’s Watch Paula Bennett recently braved the lack of real koru club facilities on regional airlines and went to the outlying settlement of Napier.  Here brave Paula was delighted to discover that spirits were indeed high among the National faithful.  All who attended her public meeting on private property where indeed keen  to use the 90 day fire at will bill and the less than livable minimum wage to give some economic refuges a taste of personal responsibility and choice.

Media Bias: Leaving the most ridiculous claim to last, media bias has long been a rallying cry of truth terrorists plying their dangerous trade on the dark web of Twitter.  However a recent review of ‘Media Bias’ by the highly regarded Cosby-Slater-Texnor-Gower Think Tank has concluded that stories about Free-Trade Deals, Overseas Trips by Popular Prime Ministers, and soft questioning magazine style Talk Shows is what the public really wants.  Indeed a recent independent MediaJerks survey asked if listens would prefer ‘Hard Hitting Journalism’ or a ‘Unicorn on a endless Rainbow of Tax Cuts’.  It comes as little surprise that the results  confirmed that John Campbell is the last thing real Kiwis want.

So there you have it New Zealand, the facts are in and undisputed.  Not only are we entering a brave new era of Post Truth Politics, but indeed we may well be on the brink of a new Golden Age of She’ll Be Right Utopia.   Good on you New Zealand for consistently topping the OECD in Pretending.


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